So Much Better

Things are going really good for me right about now. I'm not confused like I was in my last couple of blogs & I believe that things will stay this way. I had to step out of myself for a moment & realize that I wasn't really acting like myself. I was being sum1 else who jus a few months ago I would've talked about badly 2 my friends. I didn't realize that I stepped out of my character until some things happened that was a huge eye opener. I had to stop & think for a moment time that this is not the real Daryal & I gotta snap out of it quickly before I get into deep. I'm better now but before I was in such an unnoticeable depression that even my favorite things in this world could not cheer me up. I've felt like this before but not this intense. So right now I chose to not dwell on my past experiences & just focus on the future.

Idk wats been goin ont lately but there has been a disease that has been spreadin around called bisexuality (attention: i was gonna play like i made this word up but its actually a word! wow i guess we learn sumthin new evryday). My best friend just admitted to me that she is bisexual. Ok I have no problem with homosexuals, bisexuals, metrosexuals...but its kind of weird how this place where we used to work called ABC is infested with them. & all of this happened after I left (thank goodness) so I wasnt able to hear the drama thats been goin on there 1st hand. I'm wonderin if my friend is lying because she plays around like that & her cousin just recently came out the closet. I mean I'm not gonna treat her any differently that I did before but I believe some things might change inevitably. Things like when she spends the night @ my house she can not sleep in my bed! She did the last time she slept over but I didnt think anything of it @ the time because I looked @ it like this: 2 heterosexual girls sleeping in the same bed, nothing is going to happen cuz I dont swing that way & neither does she. Now she also brought to my attention that she has been having these feelings for girls since she was 10. We both 14 & when she slept over we were 14. Hmmm...many thoughts start running through my head & all of sudden I became OD upset. But I dont wanna think that she tried something while I was sleep so I let it go. She knows that I am a heterosexual I she doesnt play around pretending to hit on me cuz I will get very offended (even if she didnt like girls & she did that...I dont play like that!!) Anyway we are still cool & I still love her & she is always welcomed @ my house but the next time she gotta sleep on the couch...lol

True Confessions

Listen Up People...there is a GOD! u wanna kno how i kno? well i'll tell u/ i was layin down in my room last night with the radio on. i culdn't go 2 sleep 4 nuthin because ova the past few weeks alot has been on my mind. i finally came 2 terms with myself & owned up 2 wat i have done in the past. i neva regret cuz if i do, i'll end up losin my mind. i kno evry1 has the feelin that they wish they culd turn bac the hands of time & do things differently but u cant so ppl (includin me) shuld stop regrettin. anyway i started talkin 2 GOD & i really felt that he culd hear 4 the 1st time in my life. i felt that he was rite next 2 me listenin attentively. it got so emotional in my room that warm tears started tricklin down my face. i was serious. i needed HIM 2 kno that i still feel the same way about myself & that i will always love myself no matter wat. if i dont then no 1 will...u feel me? the decisions i make in this lifetime should only b solely based on wat i think is rite & honestly i dont hafta pleez any1 or get any1's approval but Daryal's. I am me so take me as I am...anyway the next thing that happens blew my mind. the radio began 2 play Tupac's Keep Ur Head Up. i knew that that was GOD sendin me a message tellin me 2 keep my head up. i began 2 wipe my tears & a smile began 2 spread across my face. i knew that evrythin was gonna b alrite. u may not seem like it was no big deal but GOD talks 2 evry1 subliminally. u jus gotta b aware enuff 2 c the signs 4 urself. i kno it wont happen 100% ovanight but i started 2 feel a lil bit betta than wat i did in the beginnin of my conversation w/ the man upstairs. i jus gotta take it 1 day @ a time (ayo i sound like im in rehab or sumthin lol) i jus wanted 2 share that stroy on my blogger cuz i feel it & that was real wat i felt. evry1 makes mistakes but sum only learn from it. i wanna b in the percentage 2 which i learn from it!

I Jus Wonder...

I'm stuck between a rock & a hard place rite now. I'm not gonna get in2 2 much detail about it so i'm jus gonna scrap the surface of the problem. iight so its this thing rite...i have gotten really attached 2 this thing & i have even gave part of myself 2 this thing. so me & this thing are cool rite but its this joint. now this joint makes me feel different than the thing. 2 the point where i am my whole self wen im w/ this joint. idk wat 2 do cuz i wish that the thing had the qualities of the joint. i wanna b attached 2 both but i actually have a conscience & this sumthin has once been attached 2 this joint wen we were attached. followin me? i kno its confusin but i must keep this kinda confidental. its botherin me cuz i wanna b attached 2 this thing but im gettin kinda mixed vibes from it. i mean 1 minute we tight & the next we kinda loose. i dont like that. if im attached than i wuld like 4 us 2 b attached all the time...feel me? jus let me kno wen u get confused...ok i can move on. now this thing actually told me sumthin that crosses my mind all the time but im wonderin if its sum truth 2 it. @ 1st i thought there was sum truth 2 it but now im kinda iffy. its a shame cuz i dont like feelin like this but there is no use in cryin ova spilled milk. i can move on, thas no problem 4 me. i jus wuld like 2 kno if there is still a possibility 4 things 2 work...i wonder...

B.A.C.K

Well...i feel a lot better today than yesterday. This may seem type crazy but who cares, i feel much better about going back to HarlemLive on Monday with my head held high. it's because i realized that it was very selfish of me to quit out on my team the way i did. i want to say to my team mates...Chris, Jose', Manuel, Raven, Darryl, Mary that I apologize for my selfishness & that I will return tomorrow with a better attitude. i still believe that we can win this competition if we just stick together even if things aren't going well. this weekend & many other things made my attitude change about a lot of things...not even necessarily HarlemLive but just my life in general. A lot of things were going on with myself that i couldn't figure out or that i just couldn't seem to shoo away from me. & i just want to say that D-Nyce is back in full effect(lol that was like so 90's) & this is gonna b my shortest blog ever cuz when i get back my work will speak for itself!

A New Me!!

wow! thas all i have 2 say rite now. my father brought this book in a few days ago about this thing called "the secret". evry1 in my house was all psyched ova the book & was tryna explain this "secret" 2 me but i really didnt pay it any mind-until i went on sum1s page (manuel) & watched the video he had on his myspace. & im tellin u that i feel wonderful. a whole lot betta than a few hours ago. its like a brand new me was born in jus about 10 minutes! i sat back & re-evaluated myself & realized that i am a very negative person. meanin that i think these negative thoughts (not sexual lol) & i wonder why these badd things keep happenin 2 me. its really bcuz i have 2 change my thought patterns. i finally undertsand "the secret" & i wish that evry1 knew about it. if evry1 in the world knew about "the secret" then this world would b a betta place. I started writin my creative process list & i know that it'll work. wat i still want 2 read up on in my fathers book is that im havin a hard time believin that anythin in this world that i want i can attract it 2 me. thas crazy! i mean anythin, they said. & that goes 4 the badd things as well. if i continue 2 think about wat i dont want 2 do, wat i cant do, & wat will neva happen then thas exactly wat i will get. POSITIVE. thas my word 4 2day. & even though it'll b hard alterin 14 years of my negative thinkin pattern, its worth it. its worth all the pain, guilt & anguish that i have been experiencin in my life...GONE! i figured that the reason why i think like this is because wen i get my hopes up high & it doesnt cum true i hate the feelin of disappointment. but now i kno that the reason why it didnt cum true is that i have had doubts about it cumin true all along. evrythin that has ever happen 2 me i attracted 2 me. sum way, sum how. it'll start 2 make more sense 2 me wen 1 of these miracles cum true (& i kno they will). wen a particular feelin or thought crosses ova me it is immediately sent in2 the universe & it then begans 2 redesign itself so that my thought or feelin can happen. now im not gonna go around preachin this cuz i kno that 1 day im gonna slip up but i do wanna fully understand wat "the secret" is all about. 4 me 2 truly kno that "the secret" works ima have 2 experience 1 of the things on my creative process list & from then on that'll b my way of life.

Me Against Da World

Thats how im feelin rite now! its jus me against the world. or mayb jus me against my motha. its like lately she dont trust me cuz im 14, very pretty ;-), and developed. she feels that jus bcuz this was around the age my older sister started 2 act out that im gonna become rebellious & start buggin 2. & u kno wat? i jus mite start 2 do that! all my life i've been depicted as the type of gurl thats perfect & neva does anythin wrong & that may sound gud but actually it isnt cuz wen i do end up doin sumthin wrong its truns in2 world war 100 up in here. wen i do sumthin wrong she always wants 2 throw the fact that im 14 in my face 2 make it seem like jus cuz im that age ima go have sex w/ evry dude in the world & that ima end up w/ 1 million babies wen im not even goin in that direction! im not even thinkin about sex rite now bein that i am a virgin & rite about now im jus havin fun but w/ my clothes on. but if i try 2 explain that 2 her the whole conversation turns in2 21 questions & evry 1 of my answers she tries 2 make it seem like im wrong. sumtimes i wish that i didnt turn 14. sumtimes i wish that i was like 8 years old so that i wont b looked upon as if im bein defiant or that im tryin 2 act more than my age. & its only jus my motha who acts this way towards me. i jus want her 2 still look @ me like Daryal my wonderful daughter instead of Daryal my wild child; or mayb thas the way i think she looks @ me now wen she really has no reason 2.

Yo!

hey umm...im contemplatin if i shuld go 2 wrk cuz i got in contact w/ my mommy & she on her way home now. i wanna go but then it mite b a waste of time if i do. dag...so many choices rite now. anyway rite now im jus starin in the mirror lookin @ myself thinkin bout wat i shuld do. its crazy cuz i look @ myself evryday but i do not think that i look asian! this is crazy! i've been teased bout that my whole life but i neva seen any resemblance. i thought @ work they wuldnt c it either but wen chris bought it up 1 day i was thinkin "damn they c it 2!" wen i was little i got really upset wen ppl wuld say i look like a lil chinese kidd & that jackie chan was my father or that jet li was my uncle (lmao-thas kinda funny now that i think about it) but now i jus laff along w/ them. even tho its kinda of annoyin cuz i heard it all my life i began 2 embrace the way i look. my face is very unique & i am beautiful in my own way & even in otha ppl's way ;). i wuldnt even trade faces w/ a woman who is proclaimed 2 me the most beautiful person in the world bcuz then i wuldnt b 100% daryal!